Allegro - fast but not too fast.
Ah yes, the Austin Allegro. Reputed to have been more aerodynamic when travelling in reverse than when moving forwards.
The Allegro represented everything that was bad about British cars from the 70s onward. In earlier years there were some good ones (e.g. the P4 and P5 Rovers, of which I had
14 a few), but most of those were still cursed by Lucas the Prince of Darkness.
(Did you know that in the '70s Lucas tried to build a computer? They couldn't make it leak oil or blow smoke so they gave up. – Old car-club joke.) Rover 90 = 90 bhp. Rover 110 = 110 bhp. Rover 3 litre. Etc.
I prefer the alpha-numeric model nomenclature such as used by, e.g., BMW (
735iL =
7 series – their flagship chariot,
3.5 litres,
injected,
Long (wheelbase); or Mercedes-Benz (
500 SEC = 500 centilitres / 5 litres;
S -
Sonderklasse (special class, i.e. flagship series);
E =
Einspritzung = fuel injection);
C =
Coupé.
Here are some doozies of car model names garnered from the web (complete with contributors' comments of varying depth, readability, and risk):
Renault LeCarAn economy car from France, as sold by AMC. There are two different ways this name could suck. Either marketing people decided to call it "The Car" in pseudo-French, or they actually wanted to name it something that translates to "the because".
Honda That'sA Japanese domestic market kei car (light automobile, a separate classification in Japan) that takes the form of a particularly tall wagon. That's what? What is the
that that we're referring to? Is "that" the car or is the car trying to tell us about something else but not quite getting it out, like a dying mentor in a fantasy epic? Our best guess at this point is that the designer was about to say "That's going to be named [something]" while pointing at the car when he suffered a massive heart attack. The marketing people just had to assume that, with his last moment, he pointed at the car and spoke its name:
that's.
Isuzu P'upA compact pickup truck. Men don't want to buy trucks named after things that cause women to make that cute induced squealing noise; this is why you don't see any Ram Easter Dresses for Babies on the road. Men want to buy a truck named something like "Tyrannosaurus Destroyer Adventure".
Great Wall WingleA compact pickup from China. It sounds like what a confused toddler would say to his mother when he needs to urinate.
Ford ProbeFord's answer to the Acura Integra. It was an attempt to sound high-tech. It came across as being high-tech in the same way as a perverted alien abduction story. Sure, we all recognise that
probe doesn't necessarily mean "anal probe" but it's the first thing we all think when we hear the word.
Isuzu GIGA 20 Light Dump
A light dump truck. Omitting the word
truck was a big mistake.
Toyota DeliboyA van that looks suspiciously like a platypus. It looks like a billed waterfowl of some sort, but it sounds like a kid who's slicing pastrami for his first job.
Volugrafo BimboAn Italian, 5hp, open-air clown car. Who wouldn't want to drive a "stupid and promiscuous" – a bimbo?
Mitsubishi LettuceA variant of the Mincia. This might be the least inspiring name of any car ever made. Why not name it the "Beige", the "Adequate"?
Mazda Titan DumpA dump truck. Yes, we understand that it's a dump truck, but without the word
truck it sounds more like what happens after that Miralax finally kicks in.
Honda Life DunkThe turbocharged version of the kei car Honda Life. "Honda Life" is a passable, if ever so slightly odd name by itself. What's really mystifying is why Honda thought that the word
Dunk would be perfect to signify the presence of a turbocharger. What would have been wrong with calling it the "Honda Life Turbo"?
Isuzu Mysterious Utility WizardA full-size passenger SUV. You can see how this might have sounded really cool in Japanese. In English it just sounds like something that would hang out with that annoying paper clip from Microsoft Office.
Suzuki Every Joypop TurboA small turbocharged van. Random Happy Excitement Words!
Mitsubishi Mini Active Urban SandalA concept for what would have been the Smart For Two if it had been made in Japan in 1985.
Mini,
active, and
urban are all things one expects to see on a concept car's name. When they all get thrown together at once it starts to look like somebody just drew some buzzwords out of a hat. And then we get to
sandal, and we have absolutely no explanation for that. This car was also billed as the MAUS.
Mazda Bongo FriendeeA Japanese camper van. It's just weird. First of all, "Bongo" is a very strange name for a line of commercial vans. Secondly, what about the quasi-word/mispronunciation "Friendee" says "comes with a kitchenette"?
Mazda Carol Me LadyA special edition of a minuscule 61hp hatchback. It sounds like the title of a Broadway musical that was written by a chimp with a rudimentary understanding of language.
Geely Rural NannyAn Australian-style utility truck for the Chinese market. "Eat yer gosh darned peas or by golly I'll bend y' over and get ma switch raht now, young man!"
Nissan Homy Super LongThe longest iteration of Nissan's small camper van. How is this not a penis joke?
Daihatsu NakedA kei car that's somewhere between a real Hummer and a Power Wheels Hummer. It's called "naked", thus conjuring images of flabby nude beaches, awkward men running across soccer pitches, and that time you walked in on your grandmother when she was in the bath.
Daihatsu ScatA compact off-roader. Seriously? Whose bright idea was it to name this little SUV something that evokes the wonderful feeling of scooping the litter box?
Suzuki CappuccinoIn terms of cars named after hot drinks, the Suzuki Cappuccino comes out a winner … by a long way. The kei sportscar packs a tiny turbocharged engine, 50/50 weight distribution, and utterly brilliant looks. Lots of flavour in one little shot – they should’ve called it the "Espresso".
Daihatsu CharadeA name like "Charade" doesn't exactly inspire confidence in a car … you know, something you'd like to have when buying a car.
AMC GremlinIf it's mechanical confidence you're after, why not buy a car named after a creature that causes unexplained mechanical faults?
Peugeot TepeeThere was a massive void in the auto world for cars named after animal-skin tent dwellings. Thankfully, Peugeot filled that void with its Tepee multipurpose vehicles. The Tepee currently comes in two confusing flavours – the Partner Tepee or Expert Tepee.
Mitsubishi Delica Space GearOnce again, Japan corners the market on awesomely weird car names. Sure, it's a van, but it's the Lunar Lander or the Buzz Aldrin of vans – the Delica Space Gear! Space suit not included, but you do get a bull bar.
Kia CadenzaA virtuoso solo passage inserted into a movement in a concerto or other musical work, typically near the end. The opposite, perhaps of a Honda Prelude?
Volkswagen Up!Perhaps "Up!" is a cute name for the tiny European city car. What bugs is that VW insists on putting the exclamation point at the end, not only confounding autocorrect and spellcheckers while typing, but also making it seem like you're always! excited! every time you write about the car.
Opel Adam RocksWhile I don't have a problem with the regular Opel Adam since it's named after the company's founder, I do find it downright weird the rugged version of the posh city car is called "Adam Rocks". Oh, and there was also a special edition called "Opel Adam Rocks Unlimited".
Kia Cee’dOne of the few cars to have an apostrophe in its name. To make matters worse, the moniker technically begins with a lowercase
c, though the
Motor1 style guide banishes such nonsense. Not only that, but the coupe version is advertised in some countries as the "pro_cee’d".
Mazda LaPutaThe car's name actually derivates from the book
Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift, but go explain this to Spanish speakers. For them, it means "the whore".
Nissan MocoIt was only marketed in Japan as such; otherwise it would have been a bad (nose) pick for Spanish speakers, for whom it means "booger".
Buick LaCrosseWhen Buick launched the LaCrosse in Canada why couldn't it have come across as "the fancy pen on wheels", or something to do with archery? Nope, in French-speaking Quebec, the meaning is "masturbating (teenagers)".
Opel AsconaWhy couldn't the Opel Ascona mean "little flower" or "cute worm", which would have been cause for just mild embarrassment? Instead, it means female genitalia in northern Spain and parts of Portugal.
Honda FittaSo why can only Spanish speakers have genitalic cars? Here's one for up there: the Honda “c---”.
Dodge SwingerYou'll also find ads for these on the back pages of adult magazines. Okay, it was the '70s, but still – why not just call it the STD?
Now you'll understand my preference for monikers such as 500 SEC, 380 SEL, 300 SE … .