I've always been partial to Herbert's verse and this is one of the less contentious ones. At the theatre , the lady behind me
Dear Madam, you have seen this play; I never saw it till today. You know the details of the plot, But, let me tell you, I do not. The author seeks to keep from me The murderer's identity, And you are not a friend of his If you keep shouting who it is. The actors in their funny way Have several funny things to say, But they do not amuse me more If you have said them just before; The merit of the drama lies, I understand, in some surprise; But the surprise must now be small Since you have just foretold it all. The lady you have brought with you Is, I infer, a half-wit too, But I can understand the piece Without assistance from your niece. In short, foul woman, it would suit Me just as well if you were mute; In fact, to make my meaning plain, I trust you will not speak again. And---may I add one human touch?--- Don't breathe upon my neck so much.
I would also like to include the Doctors Lament but it would probably be filled with asterisks as the content is anatomically correct but unacceptable on most forums so you can check it out at